You get to a point
you can’t track
all the moving parts
the busy bits
the needling pauses
the sudden starts
a part of your mind
tunes out
and there it goes
spinning on its own
out of control
like it always was

You just detached
instead of being the movie
you step back
and watch the flow
it all makes sense
the interlocked
interdependence
of us all

Then the crack of the whip
across your back
I’m leaving
three words two contracted
like a muscle ache
change encapsulated
the heart spasm
in your naked state

I said I wouldn’t fight it
the moment it came
I’d let you do you
to let me be me
but I can never truly be ready
for the flaying
death of old habits
sudden traumatic losses
edged in the acid of suddenness
words pour through the holes
gnawed by all that happened

I stand over the ledge
watching the bustle beneath
so close and so far
everyone’s so busy
consumed in the daily hedge
all bets for a happier patch
flimsy transparent hopes
for stability and safety
surfing this ocean of chaos
clashing strange attractors
collide and I’m so tiny
in the face of so much madness

this wave pushes through my pain
spinning gold making magic
with nothing more than
the prime elements
happiness and sadness
byproducts of a complicated
self
so many itty bitty pieces
inner outer and secret
I can’t get a grip
or keep a pulse
on the experiences
I’m a song without a beat
a compass spinning for North
a curt nod, a half smile
but hey, zero kills
I’m the everyday
non-committal OK

I’ll see you when I see you
among the shards of what’s left
after you’ve gone
and broken the engine
of what propelled us together
and all the moving parts
carried in my back pocket
pieces of half shaped dreams
plans unseen
who knows if I can still
use any of this
to rebuild a new machine