beautiful

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IMG_20190504_201445_538it does not just happen
till spring’s met winter
and the burn of its chill
wrenches away every leaf
of your branches
the veneer you believe
is you
it’s just superficial untested
a pure seeming
a childish innocence
smiling and ignorant
then the split of sudden change
rends you gut to throat
like you’re a hunted duck
plucked rapidly of your feathers
preparing to be your fear’s dinner
the hunter of your demons
trussed you up
strung and pleading
the blade always cuts
both ways
i promise this time
I’ll give this up
for the nth time
the pain never hurts less
you just get used to it
like life ravages the shallow
soft rock face of your grace
like water erodes away
little caves into what seems
solid
it is the test if you can last
the course of what’s to come
it’s the pressing of hearts
against the grind of loss
it’s knowing defeat so deep
you could bleed your dreams
there on the floor
banging your fists
with impotent rage
your baby suffers
your mother weeps
your she-devil
haunts your sleep
it’s knowing how strong
the desire to win
is in the face of everything
falling apart
and then
it’s just awkward and not at all
what you thought it was
uncomfortable and raw
you find the strength
to just lean in
it’s ok, you see
compassion is the fruit
of tremendous anguish
the sensitivity flourishes
in consuming conditions
it’s up to you
to love and accept
the thorns that come
with growing into
a beautiful human

The way it went

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I’ve tried to find shelter in close bonds
friends, lovers, family
only to find
there’s nothing to be found
in the ignorance of others’ best intentions
with hollow strength

I spent years studying
intimacy
to grasp what’s within
and what’s not

One day I woke up
things wrinkled, things shrunk
others grew and this is not
how I imagined living
alive in the grave
most of my life
has already passed me by
what I worked for is empty

A deep kind of unspoken anguish
thorns its way into your heart
it’s hard not to follow the groove
of the women who came before you
whose youth was crushed up
into a bitter pill of truth
with time ticking
my hands stretch
every resource they can
so it all fits
to make ends meet
to raise the best kids
that circumstances permit

Then there’s just the skin
that’s worn and loose
gravity comes to collect
what’s due
and you don’t even remember
having had a real chance
to have worn that beauty proud
always out of sync with the present
thinking back or ahead
the binds formed by your own choices

You hadn’t realized
you tied your hands
gagged your voice
and settled to live within
reduced conditions
living up an illusion
that beauty could somehow stay
or was there another way
other than the way
It went?

24/7/365

I live in a screen sized bubble
connected to the globe
24/7/365
it’s not yet free
it just seems it
and the monsters
are one tweet away
and the thieves
bought the ads to sway
the masses into believing
whats free is good
when they’re milking
benefits they reap
from the mindshare

it’s a cancer that’s spreading
when I naively invited in
the vampires in blue
social networks masked as utility
designed to increase
my fear and need to be seen
and buy into the scheme
of all the stuff
they need me to buy

it’s hard for me to conceive
how we live so connected
24/7/365
and let these models
of corrupt ethics
total lack of transparency
hidden terms
in the services
as digital governments
when we could be openly
transacting honestly
with 100% transparency
instead of using this very
tool to suppress awareness

we’re facing a shitload
of trouble dying oceans
and it’s time to fix the problems
in this collapsing house
builting on a leaking boat
death facing me down
as I watch yet another
species of insects
I once knew in my own life
disappear because all the links
to sustain its life
got chopped off

my gut churns I watch my son
play with his friends at a party
I feel a heavy moment as I see
the composition of his environment
the world he’s growing in is
what’s found in all places
from cleaning products
personal products
clothing
water
food
housing environment
air quality
contaminants
to food and drink
sugar added to everything
ultra-refined
so many factors
beyond my control
it makes my head spin

so many of his pals with some
form of attention problem
the direct effect
of how removed
their lives are
from natural sources
everything they come in touch with
is chemically processed

in some form
I remember as a child
climbing fig trees
and eating figs
without pesticides
and now I’m afraid
to not know the origin
of what goes on the table

the abuse of powerful companies
groups of humans who consent
to prey on other humans
even their own selves
at what cost?