beautiful

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IMG_20190504_201445_538it does not just happen
till spring’s met winter
and the burn of its chill
wrenches away every leaf
of your branches
the veneer you believe
is you
it’s just superficial untested
a pure seeming
a childish innocence
smiling and ignorant
then the split of sudden change
rends you gut to throat
like you’re a hunted duck
plucked rapidly of your feathers
preparing to be your fear’s dinner
the hunter of your demons
trussed you up
strung and pleading
the blade always cuts
both ways
i promise this time
I’ll give this up
for the nth time
the pain never hurts less
you just get used to it
like life ravages the shallow
soft rock face of your grace
like water erodes away
little caves into what seems
solid
it is the test if you can last
the course of what’s to come
it’s the pressing of hearts
against the grind of loss
it’s knowing defeat so deep
you could bleed your dreams
there on the floor
banging your fists
with impotent rage
your baby suffers
your mother weeps
your she-devil
haunts your sleep
it’s knowing how strong
the desire to win
is in the face of everything
falling apart
and then
it’s just awkward and not at all
what you thought it was
uncomfortable and raw
you find the strength
to just lean in
it’s ok, you see
compassion is the fruit
of tremendous anguish
the sensitivity flourishes
in consuming conditions
it’s up to you
to love and accept
the thorns that come
with growing into
a beautiful human

The way it went

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I’ve tried to find shelter in close bonds
friends, lovers, family
only to find
there’s nothing to be found
in the ignorance of others’ best intentions
with hollow strength

I spent years studying
intimacy
to grasp what’s within
and what’s not

One day I woke up
things wrinkled, things shrunk
others grew and this is not
how I imagined living
alive in the grave
most of my life
has already passed me by
what I worked for is empty

A deep kind of unspoken anguish
thorns its way into your heart
it’s hard not to follow the groove
of the women who came before you
whose youth was crushed up
into a bitter pill of truth
with time ticking
my hands stretch
every resource they can
so it all fits
to make ends meet
to raise the best kids
that circumstances permit

Then there’s just the skin
that’s worn and loose
gravity comes to collect
what’s due
and you don’t even remember
having had a real chance
to have worn that beauty proud
always out of sync with the present
thinking back or ahead
the binds formed by your own choices

You hadn’t realized
you tied your hands
gagged your voice
and settled to live within
reduced conditions
living up an illusion
that beauty could somehow stay
or was there another way
other than the way
It went?

What you saw vs. What you thought

I couldn’t say if you ever
really knew me
not because of any
or all the cliché reasons
they say
you can’t truly know anyone
that you can’t see someone’s heart
is a lie
we are showing ourselves
constantly
the key is what was cultivated
to make sense
of this chaos
called everyday life

It was in the myriad
of situations where you exposed
your critical
analytic depth
of understanding
you painted for me
all the limits
of your invisible jail
showed bar for bar
where you couldn’t
be more than the fly
pressed against the glass
trying to escape the pain
of being you
whatever that meant to you
in that point and place
by making everything
trapped in a name
your eternity in amber
outlines of your paradigms
concepts frozen
in imaginary space
held by the mind
suspended by tendrils
of non-linear time

I watched and I said nothing
about how little you actually saw of me
it was convenient
in my own
sometimes life-sized
little lies
about how I was free
to choose being stuck
with you
creating the feeling
of being attacked
by your powerless rage
yet I chafed inside
at the cage

You couldn’t ever really know me
you never stood a chance
I never meant for you to actually
see through me any more
than you could see through
the transparency of the pane
sight flawed by the eyes
nothing is what you thought
yet precisely as you saw

I don’t know if I ever knew you
beyond what I saw
there were moments there
I had no thoughts
and your broadcast came through
loud and clear