Sometimes when it’s quiet
and no one is there
I flip through the what-ifs
like sneaking a mixed drink
of grief and near misses
falling off the wagon with
the way you never held me
or told me sweet nothings
the way we could have cradled
each other laughing
or crooning away the fears
if we’d ever had the chance

You died so quickly
I’m caught in between
how long it’s been
yet still so near
fresh like a new breath
I try not to do this to myself
and to feel it less
I feel a ruthless relief
that I never knew the loss
of the bits that stay bittersweet
fantasies hypothesized
a distant light
like make believe memory
of things never had

it seems easier
to keep it at that
than the wrenching
stripping away
of something dear
found unexpectedly
with all the magic
of dreams on earth
with none of the dirt
and you never knew
what I could have been
how soft I would have yielded
to you

and I still feel
the tears well up
when I see your smile shine
now all the pictures of memories
captured fleeting moments
taken
as your sole proof of life
I am terrified
that if I don’t remember
you’ll be gone for good
I cannot let the only note
I ever longed for
slip through like a song
that played out
faded past the twilight
poof-tata

the police, the sirens
and my screams
are not the last thing
I want to revive
when you come to mind

So I rhyme this out for me to you
to keep you alive
it’s the only way
I have left
to carry you inside