It’s surrender
to what is
the halving of your being
from what was
seeing yourself
for the first time
no longer young
everything slips and slides
in odd directions
shadows you imagined
distorted like your needs
that small frail
powerless feeling
one slipped gasp
when you finally let go

You didn’t even know
how tightly you held on
you thought you couldn’t break
anymore than you had
you dared defy the stakes
till all the mistakes
stabbed their claim
in a life of ashes
nothing was as you thought
and yet it was more

so badly
I reacted before I thought
it cost me everything I was
now I have the pieces
of what’s left
I don’t know what to do
with them
she looks back at me
and I ask who’s that
the knot is stuck in my throat
regret a burning coal
that burns slow
and burrows deep into
the disappointed hope

I am the smirking hole
carving out its tiny face
in the vast space
of solitude
trying to find a name
among the echoes
that call back seductively
with soothing sounds
of a haunting breeze
whispering edited
memories
of the past

Nothing fits
I am not there
I am not these years
I am not these roles
I am not the changes
I am not the continuity
tied to the duties
of discipline
the endless giving
that births new death
the beautiful lie
holds no magic

I am the constant rising
the fighting back
the daredevil gaze
the dangerous spark
a silent bloodlust
under the choked feeling
I am the quiet raging
that finishes every breath
winning even in defeat
I am the fragile smile
the budding bloom
unseen
I am the fierce
need to believe
even when all is lost
I’m fearless surrender
knowing the waking dream
is meant to end