For a minute it cracked open
the gaping light peeked through
I bathed in the warmth
of being more than unclothed
we were emotionally naked
to our truths
then the usual entropy
gained strength
misunderstood through a view
I backed into the darkness
for the sacrifice
the silence of strength
the desolate space
a spasm

communication
is the most ruthless
blade dressed as a promise
an exchange between
human beings
yet the turbulence of others
their wants their needs
their hypocrisy
that I’m so blessed
to serve
I’m told to appreciate it
as if my existence were
solely for the fulfillment
of my commitments
so I took it back
to keep the peace
when I wanted to leave

no whining or crying
you just want to see me
act strong
so you don’t have to worry
so don’t worry
and don’t pretend it’s for me

I know when it’s me
because I’m always
looking at me
with all the truths
in the most private
reflection
every wrinkle every scar
every mark
watching it all timelessly
from my sacred pool
that is locked
from the public view
behind a closed door

I watched
what I most cherished
slip away
it was a quiet death
no one else came
to sympathize with the pain
it wept alone
a choking gasp
a last breath of life
in what was once vibrant
alive with so much hope
now still encased in stone
it no longer beats
in this chest
I’m a beautiful hollow trunk
carved with memories
like Polaroids
snapped moments unique
to the many I’ve touched
and helped and loved
their stories are my skin

people die for their families
so as heroes they suck it up
in some fantasy world
built on tales of right and wrong
yet when the time has passed
all judgments freely made
by whichever onlookers
think they understand
or see clearly
they demonstrate they couldn’t
possibly walk a mile
in these shoes

it was my mistake
and they don’t deserve
the least
bit of insight
this business is mine
so I shut it up
and zip it in a bodybag
of secrecy
here behind closed doors
the grief is gasoline
to fuel this letting go
and love like poetry
is lost in translation
like the dream of youth
that woke up unexpectedly
in world of hurt
and broken things
that don’t work

I take it all on
the full consequence
with no points left to prove
no excuses
it was nice while it lasted
the luster of hope
or something new
a way out of this misery
of suffering
an endless track
until the clamp tightened
a sarcophagus of my choices
there’s no more to add
or subtract no more no less
just the facts
I gave
I trusted
I paid the full price
and then some
and they have the balls
to tell me
it’s not enough
so I made it enough
made that door slam shut
one last time
and this time
just to make sure
I threw away the key