It just takes longer to get through
the spit and fury of the reeling responses
of a mind trying to come off a habit
withdrawal is a hunger for
what was there before
not because it’s better
not because it’s whole
but just because it’s what is known
it’s the way nature tells me
I hate change
because changing shifts everything
yet it’s the one thing that remains

the inevitability of life’s fight
for one more breath, one more moment
miserable as it may be
caught in the burn of the big squeeze
of my own grit
my place of unreasonable
can’t deal with this
between a rock
and a hard place
being stuck makes me
chomp at the bit
with no release or escape
just the stretch
a word I nearly hate
not just for its long
seemingly endless wait
but all the boundaries
it gradually breaks
limits I didn’t consent to
or did I

in the time I shorted myself
seeking to put everything
in a form
emptiness is fullness
it’s myself I can barely stand
like wearing shoes too small a fit
like I’m slithering, crawling in my skin
I dwell in this cave of silence where
I die alone
I know it’s just an experience
like any other
no intents or faults
just the flood of grief
and the wipe-out I want to grind against
thrash and lash out venomously
and not be here for another minute
but attention is key

but where is here
that I could get away
from what most aches
the raw wound of my vision
tingling and numb all at the same time
the brain static indicates the thick of it
nothing to hold onto, just me and you
and everyone else adrift in open water

what do I take refuge in
if nothing is truly safe
the shivers like brain shudders
suddenly noticing
who is this who wants
who’s hunger manifests until it’s met
the needs roll in like sets
waist to head high
I meet the storm
like a seasoned diver
of these familiar waters
rough and relentless
the rhythm of forgiveness
is just a slow process of acceptance
that this fear is not as important
as simply being present

isn’t all life ultimately
what’s perceived versus what is real
so what is?
wracked with the cresting fears
I smile at the oncoming
that’s about to break
it’s ok, it’s just another death
of mine
disorientation ripples through me
off kilter, off balance, off everything
I consider normal and sweet

the fuse of my strength is taut and limited
so nothing to do but relax
and wipe out on the snappy shards
that pierce me first
before they’re even words
I grip my resolve to stand tall
it’s my way
ethic is love truly
not emotions’ storms

I take refuge in what never ceases
and surrender my fears
offered up like a woman pleading
for mercy, please I will do anything
but there is no more want
just the heartbeat
like two letters repeat
always close but never touching
lending meaning to the whole
of what seems is only a dream
that you see depending on
where you feel
and through what senses
the form isn’t as important as
the emptiness is tremendous
shivering and naked
I’m reshaping the making of
neural pathways
against my tango
with life and death
always my song
playing