It’s been years coming
even though you didn’t see it
that way that
terrible things happen
and you inevitably change
often without realizing
what it stripped away
until one day
you notice an absence
the inner chatter
of continuous judgment
that is selfishly centered
on measuring the world
by its own states
has a lower volume
than it used to

then the pain was so great
you became sensitive along the way
reshaped but unnoticed
you passed through the flames
of your grossest errors
then you do something surprising
so out of character
you sit there asking yourself
where that came from
as if you knew the stones
that built your bones
upon the rising
from all the falling
the scars invisible
to the naked eye
stories untold
lost to the night
who’s death
was suddenly challenged
by this new fresh feeling

they can’t see from outside
the endless crushing
in silence you sharpened
yourself to just few words
spoken as if defending worlds
of innermost mystery
your deepest truth
the most intimate view
of all those weary
raw moments
you didn’t think
you could breathe through
another moment
and yet you did
and more

now you’re smiling
because you’ve mastered
the understanding
that lovely and ugly
are simply angles
from which you see
anything
a matter of lighting
coloring possibilities
the world is your oyster
to shape a pearl of worth
and the sky is open wide
for the first time
now that you noticed

she asked if I could love again
I shot back
who said I ever stopped?
I just avoid the game
and remain close
only to those
very few friends
who keep me focused
on the meanings
and can reflect with me
questions and answers
full of purpose

my own flow is on pause
in the recording of my soundtrack
this heartbreak has a way
of flirting with hate
I feel cold when looking
at the face of all my mistakes
imperfect but complete
it’s a daily humbling
to know what’s real

and he breezes through
suddenly
he has that sexy sway
that just lets me breathe
and laugh through the pain
if I let it grow he could drive me crazy in love
so I stay away
to stay sane
feet firmly planted
heart anchored
I kicked this habit
of letting people
be my drug
it’s better this way
I stay vulnerable
in the trepidation
and that is enough
as I watch the slow motion
of my fear
fill the space in between
my deep
and the curl of his shore
he’s so far yet still
too close

and that one time
I almost opened up
I was plucked by my own hand
revealed my real intention
I was struck by the sudden presence
of mind that accompanied me
as the guide within
and clung to my mind
like his scent on my skin
of spice and cigars
lingering in my hair
breathing him in
nothing happened
yet everything has changed
there was nothing left
to reach for
I crawled into bed
and tucked myself in
and felt whole
for one true moment
I was complete without
need for more

the disbelief opened the door
to understanding
how the business of connecting today
is a modern machine built on a marketing scheme
because love is not a feeling
really
it’s a skillful way of being

I used to know
a lot of things
now I don’t
but I’m more found
than I was ever lost
and still adrift but
navigating with purpose
control or force
are skills to be applied
only to the most ruthless
soul-searching

alone, not lonely
this is enough
somewhere the greed
dried up and the toxicity
of the constant need
to fill up
evaporated like water
in the deserts
of my desolate dissatisfaction
landscapes of devastated
consequences
of eons of choices
the unerring shadow
of my conscience
staring back at me
through the suffering
all around and within me

let the wind take this
I’ll always remember
watching the rise
and saluting the falls
that I should be so lucky
to relax and live this life so fully
is the privilege of not letting
any of it slip away
meaningless
aspiring that my death be yet
my finest hour
full of trust
beyond fear and hope

I pay the price in facing
tears, fears, anxieties
that come with the enchantment
of the flesh
I give my strength to soften
the jagged edges of post-traumatic
remnants of the past living as the present
and offering myself to my demons
feels like the ultimate sacrifice
of my most cherished notions
I file down my blade
and get ready