Everything happened, everything passed, here I return once again after the kicking and screaming are done, the imagining something different, and trying to find the beat in between the real that’s here in my hands and the need that gnaws deep in my belly while striving to find coherence when faith is lost with crumbled beliefs that couldn’t stand the test of time.
There’s no turning back, mistake after mistake, that’s why they call it practice… not because you actually get better, but because you learn to live with the consequence of every poor choice and every great decision, living side by side like mansions and shacks in the same neighborhood in the country of YOU.
Some things get easier, like getting used to the angst. It becomes less urgent, it burns slower, deeper, and this toolset you build thinking it will secure an easier time is a lie. Having a hundred tools means you have more to ways fix whatever problems arise next… yet because you learned something, even more arises and the illusion that you have time begins to slip as the rest of your life lapses into memories, other times.
Threads you lost in the fray you only connect to with a feeling.
I remember when I was like that back then. I was younger freer. Had I known then what I know now, I would have done, I would have said something different than what I did…the taste of regret.
Clarity came at a cost, this ever-shifting NOW slides away mercilessly as awareness connects…I am filled with regrets… for choosing a life I did not want to live, for no one else, for my own beliefs collapsed one by one, a twisting dominos spiral, as pieces fall, but the art is long and arduous to master and the time is short.
If not now,
When?
And if not here,
Where?
You learn to break loose when you can embrace the ongoing change and to integrate that it’s really never the same. Ever again. Yet it still hasn’t ended.
Life is that thread that runs through the cracks morphing yet unchanging finite yet replicative constant, the living, the dying…
The love is what makes it true
the truth is what gives it worth.