I am getting used to the taste of failure
on a daily diet of steady rejection
from my fiercest wants
doors slammed in my face
no matter where I go there is no escape
so I learn to get comfortable
with running in place
sweating out one heartbeat at a time
I can’t love the way I want to
so much pain barricades my heart
millions of grains of sand, encrusted patterns
irritating the softest parts of me
the clash between ideals and needs
formed tiny pearls of insights scattered
through that I give away freely
to those who will listen
and give me time and just be present
in this shared solitude
I struggle forth with a healthy dissatisfaction
I read the shifting lines like a splay of cards
this one is you this one is where you move
I see so much behind what I don’t say
all the codes I speak I can’t translate
I scry quietly where I fit in this picture
and what’s next
as I sit hugging the road at each bend
racing forth through a direct orbit
around your beauty and what you can’t see
the parts without end
no matter how I say it
I know when it’s time to step away
at the end of the day
I respect the free world
that’s bound in the chains
of its own making
and then I breathe
slowly teaching myself
how to run without escaping
sinking deep into the heart of me
loving enough to melt
another tiny wall away
and words are swords I best use
to cut away the masks
of all my latest romanticized views
at night I’m always alone
in a strange prison
invisible to the naked eye
I wax and wane
with the relentless passing
moving with the dark
side of the moon
you shifted
and the dreams have gone
in retreat
like an emotional black out
I know this phase too
but not with you
time passes in droplets
like torture water-boarding
desire’s pull for action and freedom
I tame and dominate the beast within
with the effort of running in place
unable to unleash or suffocate
I could just weep from the weight
of so much work and every time
I think of stopping I just push
a little bit farther
and I let the strain of here and now
mark every smile and I liberate it
in A sung length, the inner Teacher
you call me your bruja
and I remain yours
beyond sight
I stay close to the center
of my inner gravity
I’ve learned
eventually mind reveals all things
as the miles slip past me
one turn at a time
the distance lends clarity
then I’m launched
into the open expanse
where sky meets the sea suddenly
free falling
into steep jumps
where growing up
means rooting down
in reality
time and space
relative once again
you and me
and these emotional cliffs
of intimacy
Hope is a sheer rock
whose face I could climb
I stare down
the four letter word
I hesitate to trust
brave enough to see
its potentiality to its fullest
but not bold enough
to fold into the sheer drop
all the way down
the fall to my knees
and every bone creaking
they say it builds character
to break apart
the abyss teaches
you staring back
from the learning curve
you skid and crash
it cuts in deep
and either you focus
to not lose your pace
or you get spit out
after spinning in the wash
of all your futile attempts
to try all over again
I let you in
to penetrate me
even though you warned me
you’re too dangerous
for me
the warning label printed a clear
Beware sign and a disclaimer
that says this will lead
to a broken heart
yet I am fearless
because there is nothing
left to break
I am comfortable with my demons
and have sung the song
of my secret face
and there is a wounded
healer behind your eyes
who’s looking to heal within
Go ahead, give me your best
before you walk away
I’m learning
to be devastated and alone
running in place
slimming down within
all that fat ignorance
with the military discipline of No-Escape
I practice restraint
until I’ve almost forgotten
how it felt to be naïve
and then suddenly I glimpse
its easy effortless breeze
stroking my cheeks
in the middle of a screaming world
of wants and needs, I smile
knowing the deep abiding peace
of being
again yin to yang complements
can’t help it they’ll always come back
to each other seeking the balance
until the two have realized
no duality is solid
my jaw is locked down
on that subtle vulnerability
that bends in your voice
elating a stirring of memory
lighting candles of happiness
and devotion
it caresses me in ways
I’ve only imagined it happening
to someone else
I yield into the naked raw of your draw
my flower opens spontaneously
I expect nothing back because you could have it all
because it’s mine to give as I wish
because there is nothing to fix
I want to be there however that is
no matter what form it takes
water is water
its nature remains
regardless of its container
and love is a delicate and rare flower
above all it manifests in being present
beyond the fingers’ reach
you were right from the start
but not the way I thought
and I forgot to mention I can see
behind your intentions because you seek
the sparkle of desire that will be your teacher
that carries the big stick
and there you will learn
to thrive in a world that is so rife
with hurt
my beads clatter their prayers
on a weeping broken feeling
in my ribcage banging against the bars
with a tiny cup lifted pleading
begging to be filled up to the brim
purify me
dignity is a choice over broken pride
and love is not a feeling
it’s a way of life
chosen like a daily commitment
to follow through on
or not
these small hands of mine
have built castles of strength
from nothing more than the daily discontent
dirt that irritates every moment in between
that transforms into nectar
from dilemmas without clear cut answers
uncertainties flirting with fears
desires seducing all my what-am-I-going-to-do’s
and then laughter erupts realizing
I’m riding it out like a pro
saying fuck it let’s go
All these years so few counted
heavy with long days and short weeks
I know these waters so well I roll
with the upsets
surprises just loosen me up
like a jolt of caffeine
like bring it on, I’m just getting started
we are mirrors bonded
by what doesn’t last yet we never lost
what we had within the other
concentric returns
there is no coincidence
just conditions that meet
when they are meant to be
they manifest
the way the sun and the moon are timed perfectly
like our thoughts traveling towards each other
I have touched you for lives what’s a few more
and even though you don’t say I follow the silence
punctuated with meanings more profound than words
staying true, free and devoted
whether you come or go
my spirit is my own a separate entity
that’s part of everything
it has nothing to do with you or your actions
and yet it is married to your wellbeing
a burning incense after a long day
I purify the poisons, breathe in the dragons
and the spirit of joy awakens unexpectedly
the “I” who dreams control over all things
the ME pricked by all your needles
“I” come undone and blossom quietly
the dangerous turned beautiful
the question rises from the silence
will you come with me?
will you dare to be free?
you know where I’ll be