All of my choices

I’m turning into someone
I barely recognize
those eyes have seen it all
she can’t disguise
that she doesn’t know
it just shows
thru the crook in her smile
depths hinted at you can barely fathom
but you feel the weight of her waves
as close as a rider breathing
with his horse carrying both

I’m polarizing truth
facing down the waves
surfing her displays
the emotional roller coaster
this fucking woman
is gonna make me explode
again and again
cause when it’s good it’s great
and when it’s bad it’s insane
I like to know you feel
the full range of pleasure to pain

I don’t know who this new me is
I want to know who she is
cause she is doing all these things
unpredictably shaking me up
how do I have so little control
over so much power within
is this really hard
or do I just blow
stone cold broke
I glide on life’s feels
it’s not what I hoped for
ragged and jagged
I’ve been tossed about
so this new me is the terrifying
result of all of my choices
so who is she
cocking that glance at me
not quite firing
but not backing down
she’s on fire with the glow
maturing her edge
in the throwdown with life
as if telling herself
you and me girl
fighting the world

but it’s not her anymore
she is a new creature
and I don’t yet know how to be her
or how to adjust to such intense
profound cracks
rendering me asunder
the truth is a ton of bricks
in one quick pill swallowed
the full weight of the consequence

just because I don’t need to break things
apart to be right

don’t expect me to sit quietly

I know class and elegance rise
from being able to withstand
humiliation and despair
not resist or avoid the incoming
the tidal wave of self-loathing
that judges your worth
when the water rises
for better or for worse
no money can buy this
human dignity nakedly dressed
in truth simply spoken
no make-up no lies
happiness is the closeness between
authentic accomplices of discovery
whatever shape they may take
the intimacy you partake in
is the satisfaction of feeling plentiful

the trick is to not grasp
at the straws of gratifying the senses
it is light and frivolous
to conduct an existence
based on fast bent lies
half truths weave the fabric of politic
but when you get in on this experience
you can’t go back and forget
what’s done is done
you do what you can
to go down into the guts
of the most intimate matters
whatever they are

they always haunt you

If you’ve loved and lost
you know first hand
no one is right
but everyone feels
and who’s pain comes first
and who’s taking the blame
love gets tempered
in want and loss
the heart sees perfectly
the mind wants to change
the textures it doesn’t want
but the heart is the clear light
the direct view lets you see through
the heart of the deepest doubt
from the inside out
turn the frown upside down

who is she, cocking that glance at me

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