I let the young years fret away
pained with the complex
self-importance
my thoughts carried
opinions erected in my 20s
built as pillars to support
they ended up transforming
into bars cold and heavy
with rigid sets of rules
until I met
a modern day muse
her silences pulled me in
a siren of my pain
alive in her eyes on fire
with breath-taking
sadness wet with depths
dark and heavy
yet empty like a cave
I stepped through
to greet the shadows

sadness is an air
that sinks deep
down into the bones
laughter shakes out
the kindness
as do the punches
we learn to roll with
accompanying
each other’s suffering
which is never personal
it’s just happening
through your specific conditions
some just see it clearer
others believe everything they think
28 crept in
the door on the cage
of all my expectations
began to close
the sun was setting
too quickly – oh no 30
what are these relationships
supposed to mean?
and babies?

all my life I faced off with death
I clung to the loss and grief
then one day it just left
and it didn’t have to define me
and that was ok
I was not hiding
there was nothing left
razed to the ground
how could I forget
the guilt of survival
but I built up the nerve
to go for it
and when I let go
it still had importance
but it was no longer
in the driving seat
while it mattered
it hadn’t stopped 40
and new twinges and aches
head-shaking regrets
and the magnificence
of my ignorance displayed
trying to bridge
understanding the kids
the gaps that creep in
like wrinkles under the skin

So I dove right into
the inevitable and
shouldered all the responsibility
of being me
when the babies came
and let go of the beliefs
I blindly followed
now the complexity
is more fun
subtle tastes emerge
from age’s changes
as cellular death
transforms
the colonies of entities
this me is composed of
self-replicates
the most faithfully
adapted version of me
I can be, to keep on living
according to the space I’m in
at any given point of time
I am awed by the wisdom
I missed before getting here

I’m learning to trust
this genius system
the body and mind
with all its workings
trust the process
and welcome the change
as it ripples up and through
every fiber of my being
from the inside out
inevitably
I’m turning into the net sum
of all of my choices
I can shape who I am
when faced
with my reactions

giving everything it takes back
ordinary or extraordinary
whatever you give up
sweeps regrets
through your being
its part of mastering
through the practice
of “going there”
where it all moves along
the unstoppable passage of time
from the seed bursting
zygotes splitting themselves
imagining themselves
into becoming a whole being
feeling through
sensory structure
from the tiniest cells
to outer the barrier of skin
a coral reef
of collective beings
all feeling
what if
every mood
was a collective decision
made as a systems check
and if how happy I feel
is a conclusion
based on the outcome
of that query

you just didn’t realize
until it hit you
that you were already dying
when you were born
there was no other pathway
possible ever
outside
what you imagined
so that 50
won’t spring up on me
if I’m lucky it’s coming
so I stay present
with the elements
of all my choices
across all dimensions
of body speech and mind
and learn to lighten up
laugh at how it all is
the senselessness
when looking through
a lens of time
when you take away
every layer
what remains?

follow that.