on experiencing

he asked me if I am
heavy company
am I demanding
spiritually, intellectually
I wasn’t sure
what that means
I see through
the eyes of an almost-queen
whose broken profile
paints the surreal
like a Dali of poetry
a scorpion shaped venus
on a canvas of words
i refer
to the obscure
rooted in the daily
reflections trickling
from conversations
with the imaginary
I guess I’m kind of heavy
if I only feel intensely
or not at all
it’s my frequency
eccentrically offbeat
tuned to the harsh gravity
of Experience teaching me
by giving the exam
before it’s taught me
the basic lesson
without opportunity
to read the manual
which ironically
comes printed only
in a scrawl of hindsight
because it’s a fight
with destiny
he said to me
you could do better
to clean your orbit
of negativity
like he’s seen
the entire complexity
and reduced it to three
people are basically
insecure, jealous, afraid to see
the awkward struggle intrinsic
with breathing
but it’s reality
you have to face it inevitably
like I have to find the courage
to keep stepping
into the in between
where did it start or end
is irrelevant
the search for control and definition
doesn’t mean a thing
here I am now
and I’m stopping
pausing in the I-don’t-care-any-more
letting go of the toxicity
that prevents experiencing
I am alone, nakedly exposed
the truth searing
bereft of imputed meanings
without a leg to stand on
afloat in open water
pathetically small and finding
the strength
to be broken
once again and move on
because I saw it
because I caught it
he says it doesn’t matter
how badly I screwed up
if I keep fighting
it’s not how many times I fall
it’s how many times I get up
and me
I’m always boxing
in the ring
in between
the lines
where being
and not being

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