everything happened
everything passed
here I return once again
after the kicking and screaming are done
the imagining something different
and trying to find the beat
in between the real that’s here in your hands
and the need that gnaws deep in your belly
while striving to find coherence
when faith is lost
with crumbled beliefs
that couldn’t stand the test of time

everything past
can only be looked at
like pictures plastered
on walls of buildings
from your old stomping grounds
while driving by
here and there a great graffiti reminds you
of other times when you didn’t know
about everything you were setting yourself up for
once it’s gone, you can’t slow down too much
or you’ll crash, you need eyes on the road
and you can’t stop or you’ll be late
you need to stay present and flow
there’s no turning back

mistake after mistake

that’s why they call it practice
not because you actually get better
but because you learn to live
with the consequence of every poor choice
and every great decision
living side by side like mansions and shacks
in the same neighborhood
in the country of You

some things get easier
like getting used to the angst
it becomes less urgent
it burns slower
and this toolset you build
thinking it will secure an easier time
is a lie
having a hundred tools means
you have more to ways fix
whatever problems arise next
yet because you learned something
even more arises
and the illusion that you have time
begins to slip
as the rest of your life
lapses into memories
other times
threads you lost in the fray
you only connect to with a feeling

I remember when I was like that back then
I was younger freer had I known then
what I know now
I would have done
I would have said
something different than what I did

clarity came at a cost
this ever shifting now slides away
as awareness connects
I am filled with regrets
for choosing a life
I did not want to live
for no one else
for my own beliefs
collapsed one by one
a twisting dominos spiral
as pieces fall

sometimes I wish I’d never started
but it’s a hollow thought
there was no choice
but to move forward
the art is long and arduous to master
and the time is ephemerally short

if not now
and if not here

looked at through the rearview mirror
other times always seem so much
simpler from a distance
as they vanish at the bend of every new curve
on the road ahead
that seems to never end
to avoid despair
I lose all anchors
and just focus
on what happens now