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I’ve been going down
all the roads I’ve gone before
now the miles ride buttery
with the new asphalt
laid over the toll
the wounds took
and the surface
once broken
now seamless
yet I remember them well
the circles I’ve closed
while I hung on a cross
sacrificing everything
from the years in between
the space and the distance
measuring the aches and the bends
and the pain that seemed
to never end and yet
here I am
completely different
though nothing’s changed
just a bunch of events
priorities entrenched
and time passed to mend

Then again
in an instant I remember
Me then
as if lives ago
in the sequence growing more
the taste of hope
how it felt to dream
of something out there
when I was with a him
another serial lover
I migrated north with each one
seeking comfort and strength
following the north wind
With a sense of wistfulness
that I still haven’t found

What I sought so extensively
to be honest I don’t miss it
the search or the dread
still
it makes me sad
to think back on how it’s all behind
like I lost a friend
the shadows of all our former
Selves

We all moved along with life
the children behind our eyes
got tucked just a little deeper
grown on the edge
Of experience and here
I go driving down the roads
the highways of my old
rebellious days
now tempered
my sight rooted
in wiser ways
I came up through
the mud
and I marvel scaling the range
of my feelings surfacing
bitter to sweet contrasting
how smooth the ride is
as if all that turmoil
and the “big-dealing” everything
and its immediacy
Never mattered one bit
like I was asleep to it
the indifference of objective views
means things happen
with or without you

And I wonder how long it’s been
in fact, a waking doubt
shakes the proud
usual “taking-for-granted”
secure part of me
it creeps in the curves
of all the turns I follow
like the gaps in the reflective stops
skid alerts that I’m drifting lanes
etched in the black shining back at me
it whispers a shiver
down my core belief
that I know something
and questions credibly

Have I ever really lived?

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