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The cost associated with loving deeply
is years of training in heartbreak
the shivers you get when losing freely
like loosely bleeding floating away
in a river you think is a situation
like a fixed time in space
but it’s an ever-changing compounding
of little things you can’t resolve
so they make knots you can’t dissolve

The minute you resist
is the moment you’re seduced

It’s just
feverish dreaming from being sick
my soul deep tired beyond the grieving
my bones creak with every reaching
falling on disguised meanings when I’m talking
but I’m unsinkable like the Titanic
everyone rushing for their life boats
everyone’s bottom-line matters most
except me giving you back again
the silence that says I love you
a thousand different ways

It doesn’t matter what you think
request
or how many times you lacked the ganas
or the desire to just turn me down
and yeah I know how this tune goes
and for now I’m sitting with it
making friends with the crushing bits
and no it doesn’t need to be anything
more than the rugged breaking
of the choppy waves mourning
the tide inevitably changing

I’ve earned my right to sing the blues by now
bought
conned
traded
used
abused
pawned

It’s amazing how nothing keeps you down
they say to me,
not for long anyway
the look in my eyes stays lucidly clear
hard to see the tears unwept
you don’t feel the fear until you take the risk
and I don’t feel scared I feel the pain
I grew a set of huevos
for the price of my Feminine
you can only be hurt so bad and then
every line of defense becomes insignificant
Raped
tortured
rejected
thrown out like trash
left to rot
but I thrive
the breaking either kills you or you just fight back
concealed behind an aura of strength
I don’t seem a lot of things
it’s my business
to keep it sexy
you just hear about it
after it’s all said
and done, because you were busy
being vain and preening in the sun
you found me too dangerous
suffocating your need behind a farce
and I was busy making sense of us

Undisclosed and hidden behind
a show of your own force
to imitate the genuine
I know what it felt like
and what it could feel like
for more than words anchored
to a moored tether of Impossible
who didn’t get enough beat-down
to figure out that true power comes
from the vulnerable not the armored

And I don’t know anymore what
any of it means or what to believe
it’s time not to hate
precisely
right when
you could blame
so then I got nothing
to point to
nothing to fight against
it’s just life stuff
ordinary
confused
and there’s nothing in particular to say

I’m a lost saint without a crusade
I didn’t think it could happen again
but here I am back to that place
I thought I was done for good
with the unable-to-hold-on
Yet unable-to-let-go
I just patiently flow with the game
the pain that surfaces
with every stupid love song
that brings your face
to my thoughts in their refrain
reminiscing what I thought I forgot
my restraint pulled taut
a resolute juggernaut

I try to find solace in the gaze
of others who look at me
with a touching in their eyes
I feel the stirring that still recalls your memory
I’m playing with fire
with that glint in my eye
that comes from the need for your embrace
that call for adventure that whispers your name
I’ll let them look just for a while
until I can’t lie to myself
it inexplicably feels like an escape
from the basic illogical truth
that every one of them
would be a rebound from you
and I can’t even go there
as you bow to her
and all that it meant
I just walk away
I just keep it true
to the beat of this second
that turns into everyday
to this truth of the choices I make
that make me beckon to what eludes
to what is ambiguous

If I had another way
I’d march on through
what more can I say
what more can I do
Than just what I have to
to get through everyday
the boot camp training
of constantly losing you
tempered in longing
the cost of my Muse
and it’s always you
the endless discovery
of naked truth

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