I am getting used to the taste of failure
on a daily diet of steady rejection
from my fiercest wants
doors slammed in my face
no matter where I go
there is no escape
so I learn to get comfortable with running
in place sweating out one heartbeat at a time
I can’t love the way I want to
so much pain barricades my heart
millions of grains of sand, encrusted patterns
irritating the softest parts of me
the clash between ideals and needs
formed tiny pearls of insights
scattered through that I give away freely
to those who will listen and give me time
and just be present in this shared solitude
I struggle forth with a healthy dissatisfaction

I read the shifting lines like a splay of cards
this one is you this one is where you move
I see so much behind what I don’t say
all the codes I speak I can’t translate
I scry quietly where I fit in this picture and what’s next
as I sit hugging the road at each bend
racing forth through a direct orbit
around your beauty and what you can’t see
the parts without end
no matter how I say it
I know when it’s time to step away
at the end of the day I respect
the free world that’s bound in the chains
of its own making

and then I breathe slowly teaching myself
how to run without escaping
sinking deep into the heart of me
loving enough to melt another tiny wall away
and words are swords I best use to cut away the masks
of all my latest romanticized bullshit

at night I’m always alone
in a strange prison invisible to the naked eye
I wax and wane with the relentless passing
moving with the dark side of the moon
you shifted and the dreams have gone in retreat
like an emotional black out
I know this phase too but not with you
time passes in droplets like torture water-boarding
desire’s pull for action and freedom
I tame and dominate the beast within
with the effort of running in place
unable to unleash or suffocate
I could just weep from the weight of so much work
and every time I think of stopping
I just push a little bit farther
and I let the strain of here and now mark every smile
and I liberate it in A sung length
the inner Teacher
you call your bruja
and I remain yours beyond sight

I stay close to the center of my inner gravity
I’ve learned eventually mind reveals all things
as the miles melt past me one turn at a time
the distance lends clarity then
I’m launched into the open expanse
where sky meets the sea suddenly
free falling into steep jumps
where growing up means rooting down in reality
time and space relative once again

you and me and these emotional cliffs of intimacy
Hope is a sheer rock whose face I could climb
I stare down the four letter word
I hesitate to trust
brave enough to see its potentiality to its fullest
but not bold enough to fold into the sheer drop
all the way down, the fall to my knees
and every bone breaking, they say it builds character
to break completely apart
the abyss teaches you staring back
from the learning curve you skid and crash
it cuts in deep and either you focus to not lose your pace
or you get spit out after spinning in the wash of all your futile attempts to try all over again

I let you in to penetrate me even though you warned me
you’re too dangerous for me
the warning label printed a clear Beware sign and a disclaimer
that says this will lead to a broken heart
yet I am fearless because there is nothing left to break
I am comfortable with my demons and have sung the song of my secret face
and there is a wounded healer behind your eyes who’s looking to heal within
Go ahead give me your best before you walk away
I’m learning to be devastated and alone running in place
slimming down within
all that fat ignorance with a military discipline
of No Escape and practiced restraint
till I’ve almost forgotten how it felt to be free
or naive
and then suddenly I glimpse its easy effortless breeze
stroking my cheeks in the middle of the screaming world
with wants and needs, I smile knowing the deep abiding peace of being

again
yin to yang, complements can’t help it, they’ll always come back to each other
seeking the balance until the two have realized no duality is solid

my

jaw is locked down
on that subtle vulnerability that bends in your voice
elating a stirring of memory
lighting candles of happiness and devotion

it caresses me in ways I’ve only imagined happening to someone else
I yield into the naked raw of your draw
my flower opens spontaneously
I expect nothing back because you could have it all
because it’s mine to give as I wish
because there is nothing to fix
I want to be there, however that is
no matter what form it takes, water is water
its nature remains regardless of its container
and love is a delicate and rare flower
above all it manifests in being present
beyond the fingers’ reach

you were right from the start but not the way I thought
and I forgot to mention
I can see behind your intentions because you seek
the sparkle of desire that will be your teacher
that carries the big stick
and there you will learn to thrive in a world that so rife with hurt
my beads clatter the prayers of a weeping broken heart
banging against the bars of a woman’s ribcage with a tiny cup
begging to be filled up to the brim
dignity is a choice over broken pride
and love is not a feeling it’s a way of life chosen like a daily commitment
to follow through on or not
these small hands of mine have built castles of strength
from nothing more than the daily dirt that irritates with
broken moments in between that transform into nectar
from dilemmas without clear cut answers
uncertainties flirting with fears
desires seducing all my “what am I going to do” tears
and then laughter erupts realizing
and then I’m riding it out like a pro
saying fuck it, let’s go baby

All these years so few counted heavy with long days and short weeks
I know these waters so well I roll with the upsets
surprises just loosen me up like a jolt of caffeine
like bring it on, I’m just getting started

we are mirrors bonded by what doesn’t last
yet we never lost what we had within the other
concentric returns
there is no coincidence just conditions that meet
when they are meant to be
they manifest
the way the sun and the moon are timed perfectly
like our thoughts traveling towards each other
I have touched you for lives, what’s a few more
and even though you don’t say, I follow the silence
punctuated with meanings more profound than words
staying true, free and devoted
whether you come or go

my heart is my own
a separate entity that’s part of everything
it has nothing to do with you or your actions
and yet is married to your wellbeing
like burning incense after a long day working
I purify the poisons, breathe in the dragons
and the spirit of joy awakens unexpectedly
the “I” who dreams control over all things
the ME pricked by all your needles
“I” come undone and blossom quietly
the dangerous turned beautiful
the question rises from the silence

will you come with me?
will you dare to be free?

you know where I’ll be

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