, , , , , , , , , ,

I think of you often
with a secret sense
of something colored
with loss or longing
like a coin tossed
for what could not live
but then again
could not die
heads or tails
the noose of no escape
breathing deep
is the only way to keep
as I taste the ends
on the realities
of my mistakes
choices like shackles
in the making
wounding betrayals
like hooks in the heart
tearing open what
needs to be stitched
and there’s no time left
for questions
just the test of life
and these hands grabbing
the reins fully guiding
vulnerability the heart
of innermost strength

I think of him
and all that’s survived
in me
past the lies and the scars
the mess of his mind
the violated trust
after I gave it all
that was there to give
his slow suicide
taking my own will down
so filled with his agony
he blinded and dulled
all of my senses
castrated my happiness
and I know
what is now weary
will emerge like smelting
gold from suffering
great pressure yields
death or brilliance
to the carbon compressed

and I used to hope
but now I don’t
I walk with my legs
because my head is done
it’s not even that I’m tough
like they think
I’ve just got confidence
from having been here enough
pushing the limits is the stuff
you make and break
your inner beauty on
fearlessly crediting
the not-self of all things
so one foot in front of the other
bring it on baby
what else can they throw at me
nothing can destroy me
not even my last breath

and I think of you often
between the pauses
like my silent light
just the thought of you
a tiny treasure to hold
onto with empty hands
grasping the walls of my mind
while I dive
into the crossing
of the darkest night yet
I feel you close
even though you teach me
that I’m not alone
we know baby, I always am
on the road home