learning to die
I don’t know why
I love the beast
that stares at me
with his brutish cast
through my ache
the foreign other
it’s so male
I want to conquer
Him
when it echoes
the heartbreak
I know so well
of being half seen
what I can’t accept
in myself

Nosce te ipsum
know thyself

maybe he sees
Me completely
yet seems indifferently
to ignore all but my
clownish juggling
of so many balls
in my hands
As if my dramatic
were just funny
sharpened with knives
until I stab his jealousy
and walk off like
I didn’t just do that
then he comes back
into my grasp
and we meld
into the oldest dance
wary of the cards
the other holds

You speak to me
through the solitary
wordless gaze
where you won’t even
say my name
ripe with sadness
for the moment
that’s gone
memories of us
call out like a siren’s song
her voice etched
in our breath
hands clutching sheets
sweating to the beat
tempting us down to our death
my mandala open
blooming beneath the heat
like the beautiful
I could not touch
I could not feel

I will not let you in
again
I’ll tie myself to the mast
fill my ears with wax
I prepare myself
for the war I would wage
against my scorn
I would dominate your lust
crush this small feeling
of impotence that you left
the torture of the hanging
question mark at the end
the noose around my neck
chokes vows that amount
to broken promises
betrayals premeditated
we burn dangerously
in the points where triangles
meet

I don’t know anything
anymore
and I wonder if this
is what I was
in your eyes
I’m all messed up for you
I’m all messed up for her too
Ait’s hard to think or write
straight
my heart is a broken tune
that sings along
to the silence
of an empty room
with an unmade bed
where a heavy head
rested with dread
what do I lack
that she has
a flimsy ideal
chasing the thrill
a chest-pounding love
of the kill

Fierce beauty
lies within
your own is never seen
from the inside
the way it’s recognized
through the eyes
of those outside
the butterfly sees not
the delicate grace of her wings
yet she flies
and there she dies
I am her diamond spear
criminal, judge, and executioner
parting where the lines blur

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