after all these years
I’ve learned to keep
my own counsel
they know how to step in
and make what plagues within
feel
like it could finally heal
just to reveal
that really it’s another play
and I’m another gig
in the realm of getting needs
met and then
it’s just the end
from the beginning
the effect built into
the cause of the consequence
he smiles at me like I don’t know
like I don’t sense
but I’m perfectly capable of seeing
until it’s mixed up again
emotions have a way of clouding
the states of self
like seeing with cataracts
and separation exploited
is only a mechanism
for dealing with grief
unprocessed
with the too many responsibilities
my daily greets
and then it’s just done
what is the life
I want to be living
I cannot decide anything else
until what’s defined
is what matters most
in practice
and being used
without benefit
is not one of them

Here’s to the twinges
That pull like aches
Cheers to the giving
That the end only takes
Then I wake
And I’m outside
Your world
Staring me back
Like a laughing face
A jest that made only
Sense
When it wasn’t so close
Like a ghost of possibilities
What is the taste
Of this uncertainty
His eyes question me
Down in the depths
There’s something
You’re not saying
I reflect his unspoken
Projected states
If you were me
Would you feel
The burn of these needs
Against your skin
Like poor thing
I owed me some kindness
But he only wants one thing
And I’ve only one thing to give
Let’s hope we misunderstand
Each other
Successfully
He is my deepest mystery
Plugged straight to finding
How to lose most effectively
While loving
Almost heartbreakingly
Through her eyes
And me
I feel the death coming
Like a freedom I dread
The unknown looming
I dance around the anxiety
Of the price to pay
In becoming
What I was meant to be
Exactly
What is it I fear?

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