, , , , , ,

this time I stayed my ground
I was Hercules with Aphrodite’s shape
and you walked away
because we’re in different places
after you thought about it
it’s not that you didn’t like it
it’s that it could really hurt
like crash and burn
past the point of no return
no one likes to feel out of control
I know restraint most people can’t fathom
it comes from a life of caring deeply
beyond the immediate wants
that try to rule me
so I’m transforming what’s broken
I come to this tenderness honestly

it’s true
I can’t get my timing down
hitting rocks skidding all the way
with you
as if I were one big mistake
and you were more a lesson than a man
but to have known even beforehand
you wouldn’t reciprocate
what I have to give
I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d rather put myself out there
wherever There is
a conscious choice to be exposed
fully understanding all outcomes
accepting the way it should be
playing my hand, because I ultimately trust you
to do what’s best to be true to you
if not to me
don’t you think for a second
it slipped past me
that you never said no.

And all that it meant.

I hold myself together
at the end of this part of the show
there won’t be any second chances
life is lived in real time
nothing ever happens twice
that’s what’s different in me
from before
a relaxed sense of urgency
that won’t fuck around
there’s nothing to be afraid of
so I had to be bold
seize the chance to just love
if I died tomorrow
I’d wish you had known

your silence once more
is the deep tone of a dirge
now so well known to me
my delusions painted on glass stained windows
transparent shadows
I always need time with the vacuum
you leave behind you
it opens up old wounds
one by one I feel them
surfacing I’m naked
giving it up to the darkness
letting you go
and what I can’t hold
deafening evidence I read it
because I wanted
to hold you up close
without barriers me to you
it’s what makes it intense
when we’re in tune
and out of step

one day I’ll trust me
when I’ve seen enough
of my relentlessly steady
Love of mind
Respect for life
Passion for what’s right

look away baby, then don’t look here again
we both did fine
understanding takes time
what happened in seconds
can change a life
it’s always hard to do this part
the long goodbye that pretends
it’s a “Till we meet again”
but this time we won’t
I release you from the karmic hold
of my fears
I know the shape of your heart
and that’s why
it burns not just a little
when others look at me
with all that lust in their eyes
their hungry want
and I can’t feel anything
because I’m burned by Saturn’s mark
with his unfulfilled need
that drives me deeper
to unite inside
their admiration leaves me cold and empty
it’s just the reminder
that it means nothing more
than I should be alone unless it’s right
till then I’m going home solo
I’m not weak enough
to be tucked in a corner
make do and settle
in the role of the little wife
yet too large to dominate
and you’re not sure about
what that even means
I read it in your eyes
and yes I’m the first to feel
it’s wholeheartedly crazy
how I’ve loved you when you’re all wrong for me

I’m not really sorry if it upset you
that I put it this way
it’s not guilt that makes me explain
I don’t need your pity
learning to fly is amazing
Metamorphosis, baby
doesn’t come
without breaking
fearless of the fall
here I look at the void
of you not with me
a kind of refusal by default
exposing all my inner
insecurities, it’s both ways
this goes
not just your tenderness
my vulnerability and the cycle of loss
returns and its illusions whisper
all it could have been
doubts creep in at 3 in the morning
they wonder if I made a mistake
but this time I’m driving
steering the wheel, prepared and tempered
no Machiavellian measures, no insecure reacting
and this time I’m not phased
by the jolt of inner conflict
your disbelief is stubborn
and your cynicism is your problem

I can take the honest
Hell no!
head on
which you couldn’t give
this time I am growing
and won’t let its absence
trick me into playing
into a false security
that maybe you want me
when you call me
not this time
the tempting thought that
walked in with a swagger
painted in intimacy
gorgeously unjust
and it just hurts
I don’t blame or judge
I know better and worse
it just plain sucks
beyond all the reasons
I give it
or conditions attributed
because at the same time
I get it
taking time to digest it
self-protective, playing it safe
my heart is a battlefield
I’m setting up a truce

We all make choices
nothing risked is nothing gained
actions speak louder than words
if you know the words that go with them
sing along
if it’s easier to not believe me
or tell yourself it isn’t real
because of what I was saying
is nearly impossible
the rare chance in a billion
of how deep love can be
you are right, it isn’t real

on this dimension where I dwell
I’ve known my aequitas
the Orpheus made knight
you took his face for a minute
but it’s only for him that I’d have bled
so why not live that excellence
because no matter what
my motivations stay pure
I breathe and have faith
in life’s direction
I love devotedly
and that’s why all things grow around me
evidence shows I am blessed
because I follow through and close
on what’s real and these are not
just platitudes or outlets
poetic attitudes posturing
though I do have a way with words
I only move with purpose
by now you should know this

you can only prove to me
how you care
by being there
that is what I deeply appreciate
and trust intimately
show me how it hurts
I don’t live on the surface
where the magazine beauties pout
I taste uneasy that way
and that is hard for me to see
because it’s bought me a solitude
of being I am just learning to harness
I know that despite
how raw it feels at this end
I have to respect the process
admire the strength it takes to be wise
when there is no stake for gain

even while I cry I can keep it light
enough to smile and hold myself high
I know I’m bigger than this
wipe out of a situation
rejection feels crushing
but it’s healthy to break yourself all up
lay out the pieces after
you have crashed into every wall to discover
what cannot be destroyed
I’ve had a long while to grow confident
sharpened and rooted into keeping it level
a lot of life to show me
the love I own is mine
what’s so precious about you
my dear lesson is how
you make me this good
without even trying
you hold up a mirror
hone away my bullshit
by bringing to light
the desires I most dread
yet I come back stronger every time
and it keeps me honest to have no escape
though ironic in its way
perhaps even shocking to say
a humbling shaping that’s necessary
strong medicine is not a simple process
I’m miles away from awakening
the discovery is the struggle
the privilege to see the beauty
is how power rises within
adjusting to the things I can’t change
and acting with skillful affect
I never thought it would happen this way
not with your face or with your scent
this haunting right feeling
that tells me it’s in me not you

I don’t even know why it had to be this way
it’s your nature that resonates
to the melody of my inner rhythm
and I’ve tried to make sense of it
get rid of it even make peace with it
but I always come back to it
and that is telling
even though I don’t know what it is
so I keep my head tall
accept your position
and roll with it
because I made us a promise
I would never hurt you
if I could help it
when you have no expectations
it’s all unexpected
I’ll apply what you taught me
because you know instinctively
how to coach me along a lonely journey

Sister, walk strong with nonchalance
takes one to know one
I see through you because I see me
yours is not indifference
mine is not distance
I see it from all sides, and life goes on
above all
I desire our happiness
C’est la vie, baby
even those blanks that you left open
whether or not you know
punctuations in your flow
the space between the notes
where the music of the message
resides and is listened
leading into more questions than answers

I’m stepping off the stage
I can’t think of them
let someone else fill them in
for me nothing’s changed
from yesterday
I know my place
and how I have chosen

there’s just nowhere else
this second for me to go
you’re out of reach
yet always within me
a journey of releasing
being whole and alone
so I meditate and flow
direct into the core
of the very broken feeling.

Surrendering to the unknown
I hold fast facing the inevitable
daily practice of letting go
experience has shown
in due time and patient virtue
All things reveal themselves
to be exactly as they are
I learn and grow aspiring
to new heights
I’ll explore
when you fly higher than most
there’s fewer birds you meet
but the view from here
is breathtaking