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I wanted to be done with it
I hadn’t realized how bad
Then the light came in
I smiled and didn’t look back again

I walked away with the keystrokes
Melted words like plastic
That got too close to the stove
While cooking up notions
That were all in my head
The dream I had is dead
And I can’t point the fault
To anyone for disappointing
Because it’s always me seeing
Through their potentials
From the back end
Not yet developed
Like capital investments
Not yet hedged

She lifts her glass to me
We laugh through our sadness
We have the same problem
You and me
She says ironically
It’s a Piscean thing
The pining unrequited romantic
I grimace torn in between I say
I can’t stand it, it’s just not me
She says, but clearly it is if he taps it
The fire bubbles the water and I’m churning
Like the screeching fit for tea
Agitated when I think on it, I’m steeping
Visibly

She singsongs
But no more Charlie Brown Christmas tree
Relationships for me, I’m moving out
Of the Heart’s Projects
Where the inhabitants live in love
With what doesn’t yet exist
Enamoured with what they cannot yet see
It has not come to pass, lock and load
Into the fold making myself hold
A state of constant discipline
Projection wears me thin
I’m not good with the turbulence

I’m done stifling my worth
Weighed in gold just waiting
For fools to wise up and see
The difference between
Diamonds and dirt is clear
Like light is brilliant

Some don’t believe I’m right
But then call me tsunami
Eventually they recognize
They don’t know the game
Because they shield their eyes
But I live on the edge
And then he finally said it
Friends for life
And there I stopped abrupt
Like a slap to the face
I know this space
I laughed because he said nothing
I didn’t know already
But oddly iterating is like appeasing
A kind of storytelling
The point and the lesson stay
Friends is perfect, if not that
Then what else matters
At least we’re not enemies
To have to say it, we must have been near
We just abated
And then I was clear
Whether or not he knew it
I was relieved he didn’t get it
Or if he did, he definitely didn’t want it
And there’s no reason not to believe
What’s been whispering to me
He doesn’t know what to do with me
So he explains it away with reasons
Except he can’t seem to get me
Out from under his skin
With a density far heavier than mine
His earth to my fire
He released me like only he does
From the illusion’s spell
That held me still
In a way that almost feels bad
He threw me for a spin
I don’t know what to do with him
I woke up confused again
Thinking from not knowing
Was how the magus meant it
Stop trying to understand it
And all of a sudden here it was
My unexpected bulls confronting
Head on collision with reality
All along and it’s not my loss
I’ll be even stronger reaffirmed
He’s under my skin but
I don’t have to make it clear
How he makes me feel
Small and helpless
I’m not used to this
I can’t be boxed or stalled
So I slip into what’s formless
Like water I just change direction
I’ve closed in on the lip of the curl

Even though it hurts at first
The tables inevitably turn
I know the way the road curves
Me holding from going on the bends
And then Hades burns
In his power’s structures
When his love breaks him
He’ll bow in deference
To that which he claims
As his point of reference
I’ll watch from a distance
I need to do nothing
But watch the play unfold
It doesn’t involve me
I know this role and the silence
The wounds exact their own justice
How can I regret what must be
And cannot regard it as anything less
Than what it is
Breaking the chrysalis
Is how you get to being
Truly alive
You can’t enlighten
The blind or lead the mind
To be open to what’s kind
You can’t make anyone
Be ready to drink from the well
Before the enemy within is quelled
Embraced and forgiven
Loving me is your secret mission
Protect and defend yourself
From my vision
Don’t sweat it I’m not looking again

It’s never what you’re looking at
It’ s just what you see
Taking back my sexy you didn’t want
I’m walking off naked
You didn’t get it
But really your struggle
With me is your battle
With intimacy
Has nothing to do
With my state or my role
You can’t system control
What’s by nature fluid
There’s no opening
When the window of time closes
The surface is seamless
Regrets sink in and show hurts
Down past where you can find
It’s natural to defend but then
Fools weep and mourn their losses
While holding the answers all along
Ignorantly in their grasp
They die wondering uselessly

I didn’t think I could do it
Until I couldn’t hold it
Back and then before I knew it
I wasn’t dropping it
I was stunned and it was done

I give it up to the nightbird
After I got the comeback
Avoided and dispelled
The answer repelled
Like daylight burning moonlight
Hades sinks his teeth into
My hollow skin again I
Must have just dreamed it
The bark of the fiend
My winged daemon taking
Human form tesing false dreams
Through the gate of horn
Hung on the wilted elm
It was just me and me
Pathetically optimistic
Like a ghost I had to
Leave it be let it end
Let it grieve
He doesn’t get me
A taste so bitter and cold
I let it go to let it flow
Shaking drowning out the bell
Calling invoking my Father’s help
My feet planted roots stretched
I fell as I wept defeated
Athena’s fierce relinquished
And the wind picked me up
His song lifted me
And said baby don’t cry
I was light and it was finished

I swore I thought I’d seen him
In the evening dusk but he shifted quickly
Away from me with disinterest
In the twilight of his witching hour
Playing chameleon to my depth
My lifeline gone as he revealed
A low-browed inconsequential doubt
Preoccupied with another
Pretty pearl I swore
That I should keep it whole
If I need it I should breathe him
Before I go to pieces
Where comfort and awkward meet
Is where I love and live
But this girl has got the world
Wrapped around her swirl
She can conceal the fear
With a layer of foundation
Like warpath makeup
Covering up her exhaustion
The ridicule that sneers
Insinuating hell
Insulting her intelligence
Why aren’t you just like everyone else
Staring down the well
Of my insecurities
Where do I go from here

I know the answer
I see the road
If I look back there
He’s crouched in his shell
Afraid of adventure
Life isn’t endless
We rarely get second chances
I can’t reach out anymore
Time’s up, pack it in or give it up
The meek don’t conquer
Content to squander
What precious little
Touch we’re gifted

I’m better suited
To not explaining myself
To living regardless
Of whether or not
He gets this
I don’t dwell in boxes
He wants me contained
I chafe and strain
At any form of prison
He can call it fickle
But it’s wild and restless
Part of our ageless
Anyway we cut it
We can’t see beyond
Our means of understanding
Maybe we’re irreconcilable
Like parallel but inconjunct

I seek eyes that can look at me
Fearless as if they’d already seen
Our last sunset and dreamed
Our last dream together
Someone like me
Just grateful for being
Awakening to immensity
Not scared of the intensity
That comes with realizing
Innermost nature of mind
Who can’t take for granted
This priceless opportunity
But he’d have to burn more
To see it the way I see him
To abandon hope and just give love

She says to me
No more Charlie Brown
Christmas trees
Looking forward without doubt
We toast laughing
The bubbles sparkling
But there are tears
Peeking out the corners
Of our eyes
Like glistening moonlight
Over the night’s tides
Skin on skin eye to eye
The distances so far to tread
In between

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