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all I ever wanted
was to love and be loved
but the world taught me
that it was not enough
cracked my head open
with all the rough stuff
the heart got broken
crushed again and then some
and I believed it was me
I just had to learn to breathe
but the truth is
to need is to bleed
even though
they call my insights keen
like I have some answer
to the deepest questions
asked for advice
astounded by how I trust
and see past the seeming
from the crooked and the mean
to the good and the lost
usually my strength
is in how I never give up
but today you win
I’m done
the biggest mind fuck
and all the players
talk the big talk
so kind and caring
but they seem to forget
the part that needs walking
it’s lip service
with a twist
like waterboarding of the soul
eroding every piece of my whole
you can’t strip the story
from someone’s view
they believe it so totally
they’re so good and right
they might as well be blind
it seems surreal
but let me ask how you feel
and throw back at you
how you’re at fault
for pointing out what isn’t working
and then call you crazy
for having a cognitive dissonance
there is a disconnect
between the objective
and the subjective
because of course
I’m the cracked pot
with the survival behind my eyes
the one to blame
for seeing pain
where it takes its darkest shape
of your lies and escapes
at least I’m honest
I get my reality straight up
unlaced and uncut
from the toilet
I don’t try to serve it up
like filet mignon
on a plate of fictionalized
maybe I’m just punch-drunk
from too many years
only 33 they feel like 103
dazed and confused
I’m living in the twilight
zone of being
the anger had spun me
into bits at first
I’m carrying another baby
that’s learning to break
before he’s had his chance
to make his own dents
and what am I teaching
to the other one
but to be a slave
that bends to the will
of what can’t be changed
the perceptions of those
who want to dictate reality
for fear of the nourishing
quality of the real
it’s hard not to feel shame
for all the falsehood
he’ll have to swallow
like a birth control for truth
he’ll have to fight for every inch
that cuts against the grain
every bit of awakening
will cost what he’ll shed in tears
and it’s hard not to weep
incessantly and question myself
I can barely trust anymore
what good am I
with all this fight
being admired or feared
is meaningless
I don’t want either
never did
when there’s nothing to win
and there’s nothing to hide
yet I remain unseen
like a beast from the wild
drowning in pain
held in captivity
losing its memories
of the jungles
and the taste of freedom
is starting to be
always just out of reach