it just takes longer to get through

the spit and fury of the reeling responses

of a mind trying to come off habit’s drug

withdrawal is a hunger for

what was there before

not because it’s better

not because it’s whole

but just because it’s what is known

it’s the way nature tells me

I hate change

because changing shifts everything

yet it’s the one thing that never alters

the inevitability of life’s fight

for one more breath, one more moment

miserable as it may be

caught in the burn of the big squeeze

of my own grit my place of unreasonable

the rock and the hard place make me

chomp at the bit with no release or escape

just the stretch a word I nearly hate

not just for its long endless wait

but its boundaries that break

like limits I didn’t consent to

or did I

in the time I shorted myself of form’s reality

emptiness is fullness

it’s myself I can barely stand

like wearing shoes too small a fit

like I’m slithering, crawling in my skin

I dwell in this cave of silence where

I die alone

I know it’s just an experience

like any other

no intents or faults, just the flood of grief

and the wipeout I want to grind against

thrash and lash out venomously

and not be here for another minute

but where is here

that I could get away

from what most aches

the raw wound of my vision

tingling and numb all at the same time

the brain static indicates the thick of it

nothing to hold onto, just me and you

and everyone else adrift in open water

what do I take refuge in if nothing feels safe

but I am completely protected in this state

the shivers like brain shudders

suddenly noticing who is this who wants

who’s hunger manifests until it’s met

the needs roll in like sets waist to head high

my arrows gone and an emptied quiver

I meet the storm like a seasoned diver

of these familiar waters

rough and relentless

the rhythm of forgiveness

is just a slow process of acceptance

that this fear is not as important

as simply being present

wracked with the cresting fears

I smile at the oncoming that’s about to break

it’s ok, it’s just another death of mind

isn’t all life ultimately

what’s perceived versus what is real

so what is?

the ripples of disorientation course through

off kilter, off balance, off everything

I consider normal and sweet

the fuse of my strength is taut and limited

so nothing to do but relax

and wipe out on the snappy shards

that pierce me first

before they’re even words

I grip my resolve to stand tall

it’s my way

ethic is love truly

not emotions’ storms

I take refuge in what never ceases

and surrender my fears

offered up like a woman pleading

for mercy, please I will do anything

but there is no more want

just the heartbeat

like two letters repeat

always close but never touching

lending meaning to the whole

of what seems is only a dream

that you see depending on where you feel

and through what senses

the form isn’t important as

the emptiness is tremendous

shivering and naked

I’m reshaping the making of

neural pathways

a dance of life and death

always my song