It’s my name
I’ve forgotten how
To say
It just sounds so strange
Now
My face with someone else’s name
Almost alien but not quite
Still too familiar to shed it like a skin
(I’m always halfway in myself, never sure I’m where I should be)
The sound slips off my tongue
Because mine is a name that slips and slides
Between the lines
It rides the cracks that underlie everything that slips you by
And when you get to the ‘f’ in the middle, it’s like a pounce
Because most of the words I care about start with ‘f’
Yeah, I’ve always been aggressive
Either in running from, for, or toward those things that mean too much
(always too close for comfort)
And when you get to it it’s already too late
Guess it means I’ve flanked you once again
It’s not a name that rolls off your mouth
Because it’s not round enough to fit only one role
It doesn’t snap like some names do or clip sarcastically
It’s almost soft because it’s like me it doesn’t know where to fit
Where do I begin? And yet I wonder about that whole start/end business
Because my friends and everyone say that there aren’t really any endings
Yet if that were true, why should I start anything?
Or maybe they’re just scared because ending is just another word for evolving
And they’re all so terrified of change, it’s a story as old as my name
Some greek girl who ran away from a hunter because she was afraid
But afraid to what? to love?
The frightened hate runs deep for all kinds of crazy things
Girls who like girls
The suffering of the poor
Those who actually deserved it because
They were born in a family of too many children
Or they had a tone of skin too dark to pass for a tan
At the base of the hate, nothing runs deeper
Than the fear of what is unknown
Because what is xeno triggers phobia because
Who knows? It could change your name
Forbid the possibility of not knowing the rules of the game.

And who but us crazies embraces the fire that burns our known to cinders?
That’s the price of being pushed around, one day the kid grows up and becomes
Who you most fear—someone you don’t know
Because he won’t give in anymore.
When you’ve survived this long with the downtrodden
There aren’t any answers
Answers bring ending allowing a wallowing complacency
Those of us who have fought with everything
We have no margins for confined luxury.
Who
Who really chooses to leave the familiar pastures for roving unknown lands
Where there could be thorns and worse of all un-relievable discomfort
Fear makes us always think the worst.
I’ve heard so many people say they would, some jumped, some whooped
And every time I doubted because I know
Most people choose comfort over growth
But I’ve always been one for the benefit of the doubt
Never without fail just when I thought they could
They’d pull out suddenly afraid of the looming
Terror of impregnation
Of something unknown planting a seed they didn’t pay for in their precious
Precious inner womb, that place they didn’t know they had
The realization inevitable like a small sunrise that this path I chose
I chose it regardless of who would come with me
I’ve been shown it’s the most sought after, truth and growth
I’ve been proven it’s the least followed
Because the twists and turns require a level of honesty learned
Like a foreign language from another country
This path has no rights or wrongs, no set time, no schedule, no guides
It demands its price in blood, tears, and leaving whatever gets in the way
There is a sheer cliff I always hang off of, it stares into an abyss
That always threatens to stare back
Here I can pay for knowledge in the currency of loneliness
Because on this road the toll is paid with a coin that
On one side has a little face that says in the Fear We Trust
On the flip side is shows a phoenix taking flight
The incineration of fear
That holds your little world together with the might
Of the confines of what you know

I’m ripping as big of a chunk of life as I can bite, trying to suck out the marrow
Of course it’s more than I can chew, I’m trying to do as much as I can possibly do
While you… you are content to nibble on the skin
“but I would make of myself a wolf to range the mountains in search of more substantial nourishment” a friend of mine once said to me,
But he’s not like other men, he remembers what it was like
To be born intelligent in an environment that taught him
That too different means not being safe, not being loved
So his thoughts got wasted
At a bar downtown
Met a girl like me, reminded him what it meant to different
Alone, misunderstood… he left me
Before I could forget that the illusion of connection
Is a privilege for those who won’t dare
Giving themselves a scare, just for the fun of it

And word is power but word means nothing
Without action to propel its tenuous wings to culmination
But that takes energy and energy is a pricey thing these days
Like diamonds, we make the fakes so we can pretend
We have the momentum to spend time like it’s a credit card
We can think we are getting so far until middle age
When he cracks under the weight and she has to discard it all
Because something has to give
But you’re too invested in the debt you’ve accrued
So you’ll continue to delude yourself that the root of the problem
Simply needs a change of pace, maybe a new car
To reset it all, meantime the root continues to elude bypassing eyes
Because words are like monarch butterflies,
They migrate here once a year then die, if you miss them, your chance is gone
Who knows maybe you can see them in pictures of magazines maybe

I have no time for mediocre minds, so you better get outta my way
If all you can say to me
Is pre-digested homogenized pre-processed pre-defecated lines that are
Posthumous to an original idea that happened who knows when
But not that cool “it died then got recognized because it really meant something irreplaceable like Mozart’s music” kinda way
No
This is a “it’s dead, no one had a better idea so we marketed and made it popular culture popular fast food thought to fill the masses’ need to feel special while profiting” kinda way
I refuse your refuse
That’s inundated my everyday
Even if I have to define myself against all that I know
To remember
How
To say
My
own
name

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