waxing moon

I ache and pull in places
where I wish you would be
somewhere deep inside me
I fought against desire
but I had to do it in love
to squeeze faith’s last drops
to fail once more
this time in slow motion
the length of the exhale
that feels like a slow death
where the light is going out
on its last threads
where empty space fills
this sack of flesh

I am the face-to-face
with you gone
I am the blank stare at the wall
the darkness won
this time once more
it’s not fatal
like a slow disease that eats me
invisibly erodes away
all the things I want to say
the ways I can’t dominate

I don’t trust my own feelings
anymore
inner emotions rise and fall
I can’t believe what I see
my eyes have tricked me
too many times
I’d give up my Sight
to see you clearly

I try to give you
to what I have
I step away to cradle
the broken pieces
I keep trying to fit back
but the taste of heartbreak
grits against my tastebuds
as coffee grinds stuck between teeth
the bitter seeps into everything
that rolls on my tongue
nothing feels smooth anymore
except the fatigue
I’ve gotten so used to it
I am Work incarnate
the demon’s seething
I am the unseen beneath
the fine print
a telephone book entry
need some peace of mind?
1-800-DIAL-a-Witch
and I am still nothing
but a stream of thoughts
believing
the simplicity was spent
being present
which was supposed to be enough
as all the holy beings
who smile effortlessly state
and their followers love to hype
holiness spewed sound bytes
but here in the midst of my grief
I can’t make it enough
not today
I need something more
than empty words
than your closed off
inaccessibility

I got here through
countless choices
the crossroads of so many voices
lean this way, go there
teachers taught me my home
is somewhere I’ve always been
underneath my skin
where I feel you constantly
and I can’t coexist here
comfortably
with these meanings
without release
the dreams awaken tensions
I can’t defeat
so I flex to strengthen
but when night falls
and the dust settles
the emptiness
silence roars a tidal wave question

Will you be brave enough
to stand against the dark
abyss with me?

and I am breathless
there is nothing to fight
just move out of its way
or ride with its path
only darkness answers
crickets chirping
at the waxing moon
mirroring back
my lone reflection

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